dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Randomize
