I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
