She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?