he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
They have beer where we have blood.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
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