I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
