I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
