? is bags or t-bags slang for scrotum?
jesus mom
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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