my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
