I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Randomize
