haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
