i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
i would punch a child for taco bell
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
