i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Randomize
