i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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