the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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