hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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