uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Everything about him screamed your future.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
