Got a toothbrush?
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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