I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
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