She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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