I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Randomize
