I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Randomize
