What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
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Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
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I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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