I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
