just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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