dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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