someone threw a dead crab at me
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
