oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Randomize
