there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
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