its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
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