I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
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I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
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I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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