Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
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