he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
