why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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