I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
