i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
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