Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
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Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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