i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
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You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
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I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
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