Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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