Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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