First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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