i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
