Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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