I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
She's not a foreskin expert like you
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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