I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
someone owes me an orgasm
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Randomize
