I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
