can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
