I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
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You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
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I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.