I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I can tuck mytits in my pants
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
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