I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Im part way to drunk.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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