I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
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