i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
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