Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
